I once won a terrible board game from Nickelodeon. I say “won”. Actually, I hung up on the giveaway line after I got through, I got really furious, my mom called them to complain, they quickly moved me to the next giveaway, I answered a quiz wrong, and the host pretended to hear the right answer and pulled out a prize from a massive bucket of prizes. It was a copy of The Game of Life, probably the least electrifying board game a kid could win.
The game was a mess, and there’s probably a lesson in there somewhere about how fun and good it is to whine until you get free stuff, but we don’t have time for that. Instead, I’d like to draw your attention to Floops Big House Adventure. It’s a grubby, slimy, Aaahh!!! Real Monsters meets Ren and Stimpy Saturday morning. Some of you will already hate it from the screenshot in the header, I imagine. Personally, the art drew me in right away.
As for the shooting, it’s pretty elementary. Nasty little bastards attack from all sides, and you apply your collectible weapons to brutalize them. Floop farts when they hit you, and his life is measured in tacos, to paraphrase TS Eliot. Shoot enough nasty little bastards and a nasty massive bastard will appear.
There are some hopping fuzzy freaks that look like they’re in constant pain until they jump, at which point their long-suffering gaze changes to a lackluster, flatulent smile, as if they’re momentarily freed from crippling joint pain. There are some tentacle-like Bart vs. the Space Mutants-style blobs. There’s a home improvement store run by a smoking, anal-sapping gentleman named Bob.
I’ve played with a mouse and keyboard, but it’s a bit stiff, so a controller is the best option here – it gets more and more blisteringly brisk as you go forward. So say Steam Page:
CHARACTERISTICS
- Speed Runs – Floops can be completed in less than 20 minutes!
- Retro Saturday morning cartoon action!
- Nostalgic Nickelodeon art style!
- 90s references galore! See them everywhere at Floops House.
- Random waves will keep you on your toes as cartoon chaos erupts. Learn different enemy attacks and patterns to rack up a high score!
- Item synergies and buffs await! Try them all out to see what unique combinations you can come up with.
- Hardcore Mode! Beat the game with healing restrictions to test your courage.
- Fun costumes to equip!
20 minutes, you say! That’s just enough time to eat a couple of massive bowls of cereal and a couple of lollipops advertised as Too Sour To Handle, unless you’re a real enough guy. I don’t really miss the 90s, now that I think about it.
