Look. I basically sold both of my best standing legs to buy more Kingdom of the Death Monster accessories, I can’t mourn anyone who spends stupid amounts of money on some plastic tattoo that makes them ecstatic. But I love Baldur’s Gate 3, and it makes me gloomy to see all the great art, writing, and acting they put into their characters reduced to $6 miniatures that look like their limbs would melt if I rubbed them between my thumb and forefinger.
As noted by PC GamerWizKids recently launched pre-orders for a set of greasy, painted fetishes inspired by the Larian RPG. WizKids, of course, is a maker of discount supermarket toys, but they have a base on them, so we can pretend they’re decent models and charge accordingly. We’re moaning about toys now, aren’t we, Nic? Is this what the profession has been reduced to? And my answer to that is: video games are toys anyway, they just hide it a little better. Plus, a few of them are worth having.
See how they filmed my little boy:
Okay, sure. The sculpts aren’t completely terrible in terms of silhouettes and detail, but at $25 for four random figures, I expect something more, um, good. Astarion above comes from larger box setwhich includes all six origins plus the withers, for $50, or about £38. Admittedly, you’d have to go to a third-party seller, but you can buy the entire 40K Kill Team for that. Don’t like Warhammer? Thin. You know who would look much, much better on your D&D table and also has four miniatures for about the same price? This guy:
This is Boris the Rabbit Summoner from Moonstoneand he is just one of many pretty miniatures they sell. You don’t like Boris? All right. For the same price you could get six halfling shield bearers riding walruses TT FIGHT. You can’t tell me that wouldn’t be a funnier dungeon encounter than Karlach’s evil wax twin crashing through a wall.
Okay, one more thing. Check out this Owlbear from Zealot Miniatures.
Now take a look at this real teddy bear from Wizkids:
Yes, yes. Paint and glue. I know. The point is still standing. This teddy bear looks like it came out of a bucket on the counter of a museum gift shop. If anyone from WizKids reads this then… 1. It’s satire. I write about your stupid, defective products in a satirical way and 2. DO NOT send me any teddy bears to prove your worth. I know where they were.
