My favorite genre of YouTuber is: “A person who hyperfixes on one mundane detail of a hit video game and gets weirdly poetic.” When you offer me a five-hour essay on an unrecognized 1998 adventure game, I’ll hide in the closet. But if you are idly wondering where goes the river in SkyrimI will follow dutifully like a baby elephant. Thus, I spent most of my afternoon watching David Cage’s character pee. One video creator decided to carefully count every instance of pee play in the cinematic adventure game Heavy Rain. This is essential work. This is essential work.
This act of “Research” was conducted by YouTuber Allie Meowy, who spends an hour taking the viewer step-by-step through various bathroom strips unpacking and reflecting on each urination through a critical lens that absolutely no one deemed necessary. That’s great. I won’t spoil exactly how much pee you can pee in a ponderous crime thriller. You’ll have to watch the video (or go through it) to find out. I will say that this is not a huge or impressive number. This is a very ordinary amount of pissing on a story that after four days is four people. But it’s not the number of valid pees, it’s the stains we found along the way.
“We’re going to rely on our knowledge of the mechanics of peeing in this video,” says Alllie, with a disturbing amount of straight-faced professionalism. “In most games you shoot people and it doesn’t mean anything. You pee in the pouring rain and the narrative is very slightly improved. And you know what? I think it’s beautiful.”
As anyone who has ever shouted “Jason” at the mall can attest, ponderous rain is an irony magnet. It’s impossible to enjoy this (or probably any Quantic Dream game) without loudly satisfying yourself at some points. For all their desire to be great, meaningful works of art, these games are laden with nonsense, both intentional and unintentional.
However, the video is not just a litany of gags at the expense of the best and worst games of 2010. As the piss countdown progresses, Allie’s intense scrutiny makes for some strangely compelling observations. For example, Madison, the only playable female in the story, automatically flushes the toilet, while all male characters require the player to activate the flush themselves. In many cases, he will pee and you won’t be able to wash your hands. You will soon be eating or rubbing your face.
Notes that peeing is not dynamically tracked by the game. You can drink an orange juice carton and it will never explode. And some bathrooms in the American setting (non-quite-Philadelphia) don’t have a sink, because that’s how some bathrooms exist in real France, where the game’s designers were based.
“You can easily play through the entire game without getting pissed off even once,” Allie notes. “I don’t know why you’d want to do this, but it’s technically an option for players who prefer a non-peeing style of play.”
And just like that, “Pissless Playstyle” has become one of my favorite phrases of the year so far.
The video also acts as a surprisingly true breakdown of the game’s plot. If you’ve never played Heavy Rain and can’t be bothered to do the entire game on your own, I can now recommend this as a definitive way to wrap up the story. Yes, the emphasis is on urine. Yes, the word piss appears about 150 times during the movie. But I probably learned more about this cage game in the last hour than I did after two games the first time.
Looks like the pee is in the brain in RPS. I recently checked out my summer car, a SIM mechanic where you can drink your own Wizz to both reduce your thirst and your urine bar. Meanwhile, Edwin’s desire for the first opener drew attention for being “the most interesting opener in a long time, and also the most rebellious.” Anyway. That’s all we have for a moment, reader. Now wash your hands.
